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“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science