A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
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*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!