Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
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My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves