Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
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Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Terribly Tuesday.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want