Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
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Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?