God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
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My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.