Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
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“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE