Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
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Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
me, too, girl. me, too.