My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
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I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
These are my roll models.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’