Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
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The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.