Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
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Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.