The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
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My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT