Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
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Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.