A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I鈥檓 not wearing a costume 馃檨
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Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
My nephew, who鈥檚 about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I鈥檓 no longer available for babysitting
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don鈥檛 eat 5 bags of Reese鈥檚 Pumpkins again this year.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I don鈥檛 want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.