[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
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My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
…..pretty much.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless