Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
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I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19