We like the way Dwight thinks
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If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.