A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
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The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that