I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
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You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
😬
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.