Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
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You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
A tragic love story in two pictures.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.