If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
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My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
This hospital has everything
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no