My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
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I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.