When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
You Might Also Like
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.