I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
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Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
But is it really??
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident