People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
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Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..