To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
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My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
me when i see my girls butt
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony