There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
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i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.