Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
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[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Print is alive and well!!!
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.