ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
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Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
The Birdles
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out