I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
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Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
That eye roll….
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out