My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
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Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Hard not to take this personally
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away