Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
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hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Meow?
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?