I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
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Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart