I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
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dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad