A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
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Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
bias laundering edition
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
adam and eve had first world problems
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.