I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
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Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
when someone compliments me
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
“I wouldn’t.”
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?