I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
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Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.