Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
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If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.