[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
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Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry