I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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.
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
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Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Oh no
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]