I have obtained a hat
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I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.