As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
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Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.