my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
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[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Mouse
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.