Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
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On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”