me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
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HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
mumsnet is amazing
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text