One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
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PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
#have a #great #PancakeDay
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Thursday
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]