The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
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It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie