How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
You Might Also Like
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
That’s classic.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.