“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
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the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.