AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
You Might Also Like
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.